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What is Your Choice? (Part 1)

We’ve discussed What is Man? in his roles of king, warrior, teacher and friend.1

We’ve shown how society seeks to destroy manhood in Where are the Men?.

We’ve presented principles to stand against society and show God’s way as truth in What Should a Man Do?.

This week’s article asks, what should a woman do? How can she change society to accept her man as God intended? In order to answer that question, she must operate in her God-given role. As both man and woman obey God, they become a testimony to what God intended for every couple. This shows society a better way.  In this article, woman’s role as helpmeet to her husband as king will be presented.

“It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18)2 We are created to be our husband’s helpmeet.

When we sinned, the curse affected our role. “Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16) We seek to master our husbands. Paul cautions women to “be subject to their own husbands” (Titus 2:3-5) for “Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman.” (I Corinthians 11:3)

Do we believe the Bible? Either God is our Creator and knows how we work or He does not. If He does not, then we are in trouble. If He does, then we need to obey.

What if a husband beats his wife? What if a husband is unfaithful? Do we search for exceptions to the standard or do we follow the rules? Do we negotiate with the Rule Maker when we ask, ‘what about…?’

I am not here to judge your previous actions nor cause you to second-guess past choices. I am here to encourage you to obey God today.

God states that man is in charge, so allow him to be in charge. Do not justify what you do or excuse what you want to do. Just obey God.

How do we demonstrate this submission?

Ephesians 5:33 says, ‘the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.'       

How do we respect our husbands in their role as king? By obeying God’s Word, we become a testimony not only to our husbands but to society of God’s truth, God’s love and God’s way.

A king—commands authority, protects constituents, possess' wisdom, executes judgment with mercy, manages the kingdom.1

Does your husband act as king? Or do you make decisions? Do you criticize the decisions he makes? Do you berate him for what he should have done? Do you remind him of his mistakes? Do you disagree with him in front of others? That screams of disrespect louder than shouting from a rooftop.

One wife confessed, “I have been my husband’s mother, his teacher and his Holy Spirit.”

By correcting and mothering your husbands, you feel empowered. You win the battles but know you lost the war. (p. 77)3 Have you stolen your husband’s kingdom?

If every time he tries to lead, you have a better idea, he stops leading. You gain ground. If you refuse to submit to your husband’s authority, aren’t you refusing to trust God who put your husband in charge?

Are you trying to be your husband’s conscience? You take the children to church. You correct the children (and your husband). You decide when Johnny comes home from his date. Soon, you become self-righteous. Self-piety deceives more than any other sin. If you view yourself better than your husband, he withdraws from you. What can he say to someone who is always right and righteous? (p. 236)3 You gain more control.

“Wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” (I Peter 3:1-2) (Italics mine.)

“Would you want your son to marry someone just like you?”  Many wives answer, “No.” Why? His spirit would be crushed and defeated. Yet you do that to your husband? (p. 65)3 His land is no longer his.

The king provides. How do you respect him for how he provides?

A man has said, “Being out of work was harder than dying.”3 That is when he needs his wife to be his cheerleader, his encourager, his support. ‘Who they are’ is closely tied to ‘what they do.’ When we criticize what they do, we belittle who they are. I do not try to change who he is or what he does. No man can continue to stand against that abuse.

When my husband and I were first married and I still worked, he looked at the money as ‘our money’ but I looked at the money as ‘mine' and 'his': a difference that, if continued, could have caused division in our marriage.

I know of some couples who spend the money until it is gone. It’s a race to spend it before the other. That instigates a fight. Are your husband’s goals yours? Or are you supporting two different kingdoms?

My husband manages the money. He gives me an ‘allowance’ for groceries and household expenses. My burden is light. If I don’t purchase meat because I spent too much on snacks, then I adjust until the next month. I don’t have the pressure of paying the huge bills. I’m not nauseous when he writes the big checks for the expenses.

In the past my husband ‘lost’ $100 dollars. It was during a time when we couldn’t afford to lose a penny. He wasn’t anxious. I asked, “How can you sleep without knowing where it is?” It showed up later in the checking statement. He knew it would be found. I appreciate his care for me that he removes the burden of the finances from me.

Before my husband was deployed the first time, he wrote nothing in the checkbook. (This was before on-line checking was accessible.) I had no balance. His ways were definitely not my ways. I would ask him about a payment (during our brief and hard-to-hear phone call). He would recite what bills he paid. I didn’t have his head here and needed some reassurance concerning the total so that I could now pay the bills. The next time he was deployed, he prepared the way for my insecurities. He desires my best. He seeks to please me. He wrote in the checkbook. I respect him for his provisions and his attempts.

I must guard my thoughts when I visit others. I see how nicely they live. When I return home, I can easily criticize and grumble about what I don’t have. Criticizing what your husband provides affronts his kingship and disrespects. Turn your critical spirit into a grateful heart by thanking both God and your husband for what you have. Thank him for his long hours, for working every day, for sharing his money with you, for providing your needs. Make a list. Post it by the kitchen sink. Remind yourself when you are tempted to grumble that your husband works hard for you and you have what you need. “…Be content with what you have…” (Hebrews 13:5)

One woman said, “I have stopped offering my opinion unless he asks for it, and his confidence has blossomed. What a load off me! I don’t have to ‘think’ for both of us! Things that I used to consider irritating (because he wasn’t thinking like me) are now a joy and a delight because God has opened my eyes to His creative genius in making my husband the way he is.” (p. 237)3

Instead of questioning his decisions, thank him for making the decisions. All problems do not have to be solved your way. Even if you are right, allow your husband to lead.

Treat him like a king.

If he is treated as king, who will be his queen?

If you treat him like a king, you seek to please him, you wish to know what he values, you know what motivates him.

Do you fear that he will take advantage of that power? God made him to respond to that respect with honor for you. He will honor, protect, and lay down his life for you. You will be the queen.

 “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.” Proverbs 12:4

The choice is really yours. The image of rottenness in his bones is a graphic picture of a structure ready to fall down without support. I choose to be a crown. What do you choose? 

1Weber, Stu. Tender Warrior: God’s Intention for a Man. Multnomah Books, 1993.

2All Scriptures are New American Standard Bible. The text of the New American Standard Bible may be quoted and/or reprinted up to and inclusive of five hundred (500) verses without express written permission of The Lockman Foundation, providing the verses do not amount to a complete book of the Bible nor do the verses quoted account for more than 25% of the total work in which they are quoted. 

3Eggerichs, Emerson. Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs. Colorado Springs, CO: Thomas Nelson, 2004.



I'd love to hear your thoughts. Share in the comments below!

Very convicting! I need to be reminded of these truths. Thanks for taking the time, in the midst of the daily circus with seven boys, to write. God bless you Sonya!

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Author of Biblical fiction, married to my best friend, and challenged by eight sons’ growing pains as I write about what matters.

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