Who Are You Trying to Change?

Ever hear of a “move-in ready” house?
They say you can move in without changing anything.
Maybe I’m not the normal person, but every house that I’ve looked at, I would change at least one thing.
If it’s not the color of this room, it’s the design of that one. I even consider taking out a wall to make it bigger. 
I need lots of light and gentle colors that soothe, add pops of color for that focal point.
That “move-in ready” house has already undergone so many changes in my mind before we even have it as ours to change!

As women, we’re good at that. That’s what making a house a home is all about. 
We change the structure of the house to fit our family’s needs so it becomes ours.

But sometimes we do that with people.
Not sometimes, too many times.
We love our husband just the way they are when we marry.
But soon after marriage we wish he would do this…
Or if only he would be like….
Why can’t he pick up his shoes? Why does he grind his teeth? Why can’t he help more around the house? 

We do that with our children, too. 
Some of it, we can call discipline.
Because what we don’t like is their old nature rearing its ugly head.
And we should as Proverbs 23:13 says, “Do not withhold discipline from a child."

Other times it is not their sin nature.
We just know better.
We know this behavior will not make friends or will cause them problems.
We gently steer them to alter how they respond.
“Please” and “thank you” should be said often, especially at home.
But it’s more than manners. 

It’s those irritating habits that annoy us! 
Like those shoes left at the door that I trip over.
It’s not for somebody else that I want them to change. 
It’s for me!

Because we are good at being annoyed, we think it’s our job to make them change.
And with discipline some of those things must change.
But some of those character features we will not change.
We, as moms, must guard not to be Holy Spirits for our husband and children.
It is not our job to tell them everything they do wrong.

I don’t like to give illustrations using my husband. 
My job is to make him look good. Not tear him down and show the world all his weaknesses.
But sometimes I get on a “why can’t he do this?” campaign. 
I feel sorry for myself because I have to bear this grievance that he does. 
I obsess over that one little fault that bugs me.
Soon, nothing he does is right.

Instead of extending grace, I’ve become his judge, jury and jailer.
Does that help me love him more?
You know the answer!

I do that with my children too.
I’ve noticed especially when they become teenagers that discipline is not so easy. 
A simple spanking doesn’t work. 
That flaw that causes everyone to avoid them is not so easy to change.
Pointing out their problem only makes them defensive.

Let me tell you a secret that every mom needs to know:
Your children won’t leave your house perfect.

Adam and Eve had God as their “parent.”
They still choose poorly.
Nor will you make our children perfect.

Teenagers struggle with their own attitudes.
Coupled with vacillating hormones, and peer pressure, often they don’t even like themselves.
The last thing they need is for their one true supporter (you, their mom) to correct them for chewing their cereal too loudly! 
They already feel overwhelmed.

No begging, bartering, bashing, or badgering by you, the mom, will change them.
Dr. Dobson, a family counsellor, often said, “Just get them through adolescence.”

So do you say nothing about their irritating behavior and let it seethe inside of you?

That’s where prayer helps.
Tell God  those flaws and irritations.
Those concerns for their future, how they relate to others and what they choose—all are given to God.

Know what I find when I do that?
By telling God, He reveals to me His grace in their life.

God does a work in their heart.
He changes them. 
Those changes aren’t what I would have done—outward corrections with an obligation with strings attached so I would like them better.
Those changes reflect an inward life that is directed toward Him.

Sometimes those changes take longer than I would like.
Because those changes last. 
That means, even when I’m not looking, those heart changes will still be there.
They won’t be there to impress and please me.
I won’t have to say a thing.

Of course, those changes won’t come immediately. 
But those little steps reflect changed attitudes that line all hearts to sing His praise.
Isn’t that what He’s doing inside me, too?

Because I’ve allowed God (a paradox in itself—isn’t God in charge?) to change the people in my life,
I no longer feel the pressure that they must change for me—so I can love, or even like them.
I am no longer annoyed by their “flaws.” 
I can look beyond what irritates me to see what God is doing in their life and appreciate their strengths. 
And praise God.

Know what that focus does?
It frees me.
I can love them without feeling the responsibility to correct them.

Maybe they aren’t listening to what God is telling them.
(Then they certainly wouldn’t change for you.)
Maybe they continue to do those annoying things—even when you've told them it bothers you.
Maybe God wants you to praise Him anyway.
Maybe God is working on what makes you irritating to Him.

Who am I trying to change?
When I see the grace of God, I praise Him.
I don’t need to change others.
And He changes me to be more like Him.

I write about what matters...to you---
women, wives and moms---
about your family, faith and future.
I write about what's hard, what helps and what heals.
I show you how it's done. And not done.
I hold your hand as you find what matters to the Savior.
And let go of those things that mattered to you, but not to Him.
I write about what matters...to Him.
               Sonya Contreras

Faith
Find more articles about faith here:
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Remember: The Symbols of Passover Explained
Tea and Rest
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When Life Is Awful
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Seasons
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The Worldview that Makes the
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More faith articles are found here:

under the Table of Contents. Also available in book form.
Or here:

under the Table of Contents. Also available in book form.
Articles on Suffering can be found  here, 

under Table of Contents. Also available in book form.
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