I write about what matters...to you---
women, wives and moms---
about your family, faith and future.
I write about what's hard, what helps and what heals.
I show you how it's done. And not done.
I hold your hand as you find what matters to the Savior.
And let go of those things that mattered to you, but not to Him.
I write about what matters...to Him.
               Sonya Contreras

It's Not My Story

Because we as women are relational, we thrive with stories that aren’t our own. We want to know the latest news about what’s going on with everyone, and why, and when. . .
God made us that way, so we can nurture, comfort, and care.
But with that comfort, we became heirs to their confidence.
And that means, those things aren’t ours to share.
As mothers, we want to know what’s going on with our children, and rightly so.
Often our children confide in us, sharing their heartaches, fears, and shortcomings.
We want, in turn, to tell the world how they were mistreated and how they suffered, but it is not for us to tell.
I am the worst for keeping a secret. When I buy gifts, I can’t wait to give them. Sometimes I don’t. My husband laughs and enjoys them whenever I give them, instead of for Christmas.
I might burst if I don’t share that gift now.
I’m like that with stories.
I want to tell everyone.
I want others to think well of my children, to understand their actions, to help bear their load. I want to comfort. And I want them to know why.

[On a side note: Why do we as women feel we must give a reason. "I can’t do this, because. . . " when a simple “no” will suffice. We want to soften the refusal.  Just say “no.”
“But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’; anything beyond these is of evil” (Matthew 5:37). (Although this passage is really talking about saying oaths, not adding excuses.)]

We do the same with stories shared with us in confidence. We analyze. Evaluate. But not to share.
Sharing is not comfort. That is gossip.
The stories aren’t mine to tell. Even though I hurt as well as my boys, and my heart bursts to share the news.
The news is not mine to share.

NEED TO KNOW NEWS
My husband calls this “need to know” news. Does this person need to know?
We warn our boys of people who will harm them. We give them illustrations and reasons. That is not gossip. That is instruction. They need to know to learn discernment, to evaluate what they should do. . . 
But often we keep some details to ourselves, because they “don’t need to know” it all.

Police officers have told my husband, “Don’t tell an officer more than he asks.” Don’t offer an excuse, an explanation, a comment. Just answer the question.
The same is true when we share what must be shared for safety and instruction—only what they need to know.
That is hard to do.

Often mothers will pry into their children’s bedrooms. Know what I mean? Their children are married. They should be having children, aren’t we waiting for grandchildren?
I am not a fan of that slogan, “What happens in the garage stays in the garage.” But it fits for an illustration. [Fill in garage with other places, in this case, the bedroom.]
We are a culture that intrudes on intimacy. I’ve had more people than I want to count ask, “Are you trying for a girl?” “Going for another one?”
That is none of their business.
Neither is it our business as mothers.

By nagging, asking, querying, suggesting, inquiring, interrogating, questioning, pumping, remarking, commenting—whatever you want to call it—we stick our noses into their story.
We are not invited.
That is between the husband and his wife.
When the grandchildren come, we will be blessed, but no cajoling, harassing and begging will bring them any faster. In fact, it may close the door for any comfort you might be able to give but can’t, because they won’t share with you about anything.

What about heartache?
All of my boys have some heartache. As I mom, I feel it.
As they find their soul-mate and marry and grow their family, heartache spreads, because more people bring more “happenings.”
I wonder how much more can I take.
I see some of the heartache coming—long before my sons even feel it.  
It’s hard for me to keep my mouth shut.
Sometimes I can prevent their pain, if only they would. . .I can warn and advise, then shut up.
It’s not my life to live either.
As a mom, I’m here to help them through it, not change their choices.
But I do pray. And constantly.

Recently one son shared something for only my husband and I to know. I could hardly wait for permission to tell the world. But joy quickly turned to sorrow. I felt his brothers could help bear his pain.
I shared his story with a few.
I thought I knew better.
That it would help.
My husband told me he still didn’t want anyone to know.
I had to apologize.
My son graciously forgave. But I knew it would be harder for him to share something again.
It was not my story to tell. Why can't I keep my mouth shut?

I am inspired by my mother. Her entire married life she lived a story she could share with no one. Us girls didn't know the sin my dad was involved in until we were much older, and found out ourselves. Our mom told no one. She respected Dad until he died. Knowing now what I do, I wonder how. I also wonder how she didn't break keeping all that pain to herself. My mom has a softness to her look, not the hardness of a woman who has seen it all or been hardened by the world. I think because she was able to give that story to God and allow Him to convict and change her husband, even though he didn't until maybe the end. It would have been easy to solicit comfort. That is hard. 

As moms, our lives are spent knowing others stories, but not being able to share them with others. Instead we must seek to comfort by reminding them of Who God is. And how He makes their story complete and whole.

We sometimes think as moms that we can share what they tell us.
The Bible still calls this gossiping.
“Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit” Psalm 34:13.
“He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy conceals a matter” Proverbs 11:13.
“Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips” Psalm 141:3.

But won’t you burst if you don’t tell someone?
I tell my husband. Over and over. I tell him as it happens. I tell him as I rehash the information. I tell him…
[He gives me perspective when I’m off course. He directs my thoughts back to God. He's my "someone" whom I can share and know that nothing will go any further.]

I want to lessen my son’s pain (and maybe my own) by sharing it with others. And it is true: comfort can be found by sharing. This is where a soul-mate in prayer, whom you can confide in and get perspective helps. But it is for prayer and understanding, not spreading the news. Recently I needed perspective on something not my own. I went to someone confidently to ask a different perspective. And vent. I knew it would go no further. I found comfort. insight. prayer. 

But if that kind of person is not available, I hold it.
It makes a good dieting method. I lose weight. Without effort. I don’t feel hungry when my gut’s in knots and I’m crying.
But that’s not what God wants, either. (In fact, my husband made me go to the doctor. UGH.)

Instead, I must take my son’s story and give it to God (over and over).
For He alone will write the ending—the way it should be.
And it’ll be good.
And all will be well.
It'll be a story about God and how He works all things to His glory.
And that’s a story worth telling.

Faith
Find more articles about faith here:
The Need for Meaning Even in Pain
Reminders of What's Important
God's Unmeasurable Love
A Quarter of a Century Spent for Our Country
What Were You Thinking?
Who Are You Watching?
Boundaries for a Better Life
God's Boundaries
Memories of a Hero Mom
The Ripple Effect
How Do We Think Like Jesus
Litany of a Waiting Woman
Ever Cook a Frog?
New Year's Reminders
They Galled Her Gammy
When God Speaks
A Russian Christmas Story
Be Thankful
Be Grateful
Are You Tired of the Same, Old Thing?
  (reprint)
Laughter—Why Laugh?
Mom
Are You Disturbed?
Unity of the Brothers
Encouragements To Declutter
Do You Have Too Much Stuff?
Too Much Stress
Getting Past the Noise—The Value of Silence
Are You Scatterbrained?
How Good Are You?
Looking for Something Good To Read?
A Cup of Cold Water
I Will Trust When I Cannot See
Encouragement—What Is It?
Being in God's Presence
"Einstein and the Professor"
When God Is Silent
Do You Crave Beauty?
Using Stories to Discipline
The Danger of the Wrong Story
Using Stories to Teach Lessons
God is in charge of the future
November Dare Joy Challenge
Ungratefulness
Developing an Attitude of Gratitude
Looking for Jesus
What Do Your Prayers Reflect?
Life's Little Pleasures
Daniel—Greatly Loved by God
Take Every Thought
Jars of Clay
What Do Your Words Reveal about Your Heart?
How Do You Get Strong Faith?
Too Busy for God's Word?
How Do You Think Like Jesus?
Reflections from a Mom
Pain—What's It Good For?
Why Marry?
Consider the Robin
One Life Who Made a Difference
What Day Are You Living In?
Interrupted by God
Is Jesus Really the Answer to Everything?
Are You Beat Up?
What's Your Hurry?
Are You a Manipulator?
Are You Salty?
Are You Condemned?
Trying to Understand?
Do You Expect Answers to Your Prayers?
Do You Eat Your Stress?
Need Focus?
Going through Trouble?
Immanuel—God with Us
Looking for a Relationship?
When God Says, "No!"
What Do You Do with Left-Overs?
How Great Is Your God?
Are You Needy?
How Do You See Sin?
What Do Your Words Mean?
Is Evil Overwhelming You?
Those Aha Moments
Is Your Soul Happy?
Are You Ignored?
Looking for the God Moment
Do You Know Truth from Almost Truth?
I Believe in Jesus—What Now?
Do You Have Your "Son"-Glasses On?
Less Is More
Singing His Praise
Are You Trying To Do It All?
What Do You Do with All These Prayer Requests?
Have a Problem?
Do You Know How to Pray?
Looking for God in Every Moment
Are You Receptive to God's Blessings?
Tell the Senate: Mothers Aren't Birthing People
Is Your Life Complicated?
How Do We Fight Evil?
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
Giving Up or Taking Away
the Bible is simple
Are You a Dripping Faucet?
What's Your Testimony?
The Final Move
Be Careful What You Wish For!
Are Your Prayers Answered?
I Choose Joy
What Have You Learned from Your Hardship?
Who Are You Trying to Change?
What's Your Five-Year Plan?
The Danger of "Aloneness"
My Colors
Are You a Whiner?
Are Your Works Approved?
Do You Think You're Stressed?
Is Your Soul Feeling Ragged?
God Speaks to the Heart of the King
What about the Details?
Have You Felt the Long-Suffering of God?
How Does God Lead You?
Do You Have Enough?
Don't Carry More than You Need
Cast the Seed
God Is Faithful
Are You Deceived?
Are You Essential?
Are You Safe?
Are You Tired of the Same Old Thing?
Does the World Make Sense?
Have You Seen God's Majesty?
Do You Feel Judged?
If You Only Had One More Day To Live
Are You Understood?
Do You Long for the Word of God?
Slow Down and Smell the Dead Leaves
Are You Hospitable?
Our Heritage Is Bought by Blood
Are You Disturbed?
Are You Depressed?
I Did It My Way
Finding the Simple Life with Meaning
The Simple Life
Do You Have the Right Words?
Did Your Dream Die?
On the Other Side of the Fence
Marijuana, Mental Illness, and Violence
Confessions of a Desperate Mom
Saving for Tomorrow
A Wedding Remembered
Who Will Stand in the Gap?
Are You a Protector or a Ruler?
Who Are You?
Are You an Image Bearer or a Wad of Cells?
Are You a Watchman?
Where Do You Find Meaning?
The Lamb of God as Told by a Scribe
What Love Is This?
Remember: The Symbols of Passover Explained
Tea and Rest
Do You Have Peace?
What Makes a Marriage Work?
When Life Is Awful
Are You Strong Enough?
Rules
Seasons
Be Faithful through Suffering
Do You Know the Word?
Wake Up! Strengthen What Remains
Are You Spit in God's Mouth?
Is Jezebel in Your Midst?
Do You Stand Against Satan Himself?
Are You Tired of Being a Mom?
What in the World Is Happening?
It's Not My Story
How Would Your Faith Compare?
Are You Sinking?
Are You a Rule Follower?
Useful for Him
An Intimate Moment with Mary
The Worldview that Makes the
   Underclass
Thoughts to Ponder
What Does It Take To Know the
    Heart of God?
See the Story in the Stars
Do the Scriptures Burn You?
Being in His Presence
Contentment: It's Not for the Timid
How Secure Are You?
How Do You Respond To Stupid People?
The Earthworm Is My Hero
Heart Issues or Issues of the Heart
Things Aren't Always What They Seem
More faith articles are found here:

under the Table of Contents. Also available in book form.
Or here:

under the Table of Contents. Also available in book form.
Articles on Suffering can be found  here, 

under Table of Contents. Also available in book form.
Special Days
Remember: The Symbols of 
   Passover Explained    
Aug 12, 2017 The Heavens Declare the Glory of God
July 4th, Freedom
What Is an American Soldier?
Valentine's Day: A Day of Love?
Memorial Day-A Day To Remember
Veterans' Day-To Honor Our Men
Fall Colors
First Thanksgiving Day
    Proclamation
Christmas: Stories behind the Songs
Christmas: Stories behind the Songs, part 2