Do You Feel Loved?

Perhaps your husband is telling you every day that he loves you, but he never helps you with the baby. Do you wonder at the truth of his words?
It may be that your husband is trying to talk to you in his love language, but you don’t feel it, because you speak a different language.
Let me explain.

After counseling couples for many years, Gary Chapman concluded that people feel love five different ways. He calls them “five emotional love languages.”

We all respond to all five of these languages, but one or two languages seem to bring more “feeling” of love. Knowing these languages can help you to love your husband and your children in the best way they feel. By knowing your husband’s love language, you may understand why he thinks he’s loving you when you may not feel like it.

Which language would you most respond to? Which one would your husband initiate?

Words of affirmation
Words of affirmation build up, encourage, and show appreciation.
“You look sharp!”
“Dinner was great!”
Although there are various dialects, if it’s words that fulfills the deepest human need to be appreciated, then this is your love language.

Quality time
This isn’t watching a movie together, but giving your undivided attention.
I sit with my husband as he eats, even if he’s late in coming home. He values time.
That’s what makes him a good listener. He doesn’t hurry his patients. He hears what they say.
He listens to me. I try to give that same time to him, because he values that and feels loved.

This is where no card, no flowers, no candy for Valentine’s Day may be viewed as lack of love, because this person feels love by receiving gifts. The gift doesn’t have to be expensive, in fact it can be hand-made, but it must be something she can hold and think, “He remembered me.” The gift represents the thought. He can’t just say, “I thought about getting you a gift…” He must get it.

My husband and I both have trouble with the boys’ birthdays. They come too quickly and we’re unprepared. Not true with one of our sons. His love language is gifts. When any birthday comes, he is scrounging to find every penny, then harassing me about shopping so he can find something to give. For his birthday and other times, I must remember he must hold something in his hand to feel loved.

I’m reminded of Thomas, Jesus’s disciple. Was his love language gifts?
After Jesus is resurrected, He tells Thomas to touch His hands and side to knows it is He. Jesus didn’t criticize Thomas's need to touch the "gift." He met Thomas’s love language. But he did encourage him to believe without holding the gift. Jesus gave a lesson on how to reach others.

Acts of service
This would be the one who expects the “Honey-Do” list to actually get done. She feels he doesn’t love her because he ignores her needs. This is when “action speak louder than words.” If your husband is always behind the scenes doing something, this is probably his love gift. (He’s the “Martha” in pants.)

I have a few sons that lean toward this one. I must find something to do for them that allows them to feel love. I must think of ways to demonstrate to them they are loved.

Physical touch
Research has demonstrated the importance of touch in the emotional development of babies. Orphan babies who were not held had greater difficulties with relationships later.
One son feels loved by touch. He snuggles in bed with his other brothers without thought of “growing out of that.” We've also cautioned him that relationships based on touch without waiting God's timing will end without love.
Some nationalities depend upon touch more than others. In the Indianapolis Children’s Museum, they placed lines on the floor indicating how far away certain ethnic groups stood while conversing. Germans were the farthest apart. (I am German.)
The Central American people, Mexicans included, were toe-to-toe.
I like my space. My husband thinks he should be in my space because we are one.
I must allow touch for him to feel loved. Yet I cringe if I’m smothered.
Isn’t God’s humor that “opposites attract” not funny!

My husband has married four women. He’s not a polygamist, because those four women live in one body. Sometimes, depending upon the time of the month, I can be accepting of a lot of touch. And even give it. But then that woman goes away and the strict German lady comes back and my husband proceeds with caution (but he proceeds and I let him.)
He often asks, “What lady tonight?”
I tell him with all honesty, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Maybe it’s impossible for any man to know their wife. But it’s great when he can speak her language.

Let your husband know your language.
So that both of you may better know the God Who makes all men and women for His love.

Our God created so many different ways to show love. He reached down to “talk” with each person, telling His love in His Word. He takes all the time in the world to hear us. He gave the greatest gift, His Son, Who sacrificed the greatest act, His life, so that He could touch mankind with salvation.

Our God speaks all our languages, and loves us the way we need to feel loved.
Ask Him to help you love your husband and children the way they can best feel it.

Chapman, Gary. The Five Love Languages. Northfield Publishing, 2015.

Displaying 1 comment

Great article. This is he cause of a lot of friction in relationships and you have covered it well. Thanks.

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Author of Biblical fiction, married to my best friend, and challenged by eight sons’ growing pains as I write about what matters.

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