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Valentine's Day: Help Your Husband Out

Last week we talked about the demands the world puts upon the man to perform on Valentine’s Day, expectations they can’t hope to meet (See Valentine's Day: A Day To Love?). I spoke of telling your husband what you expect, not hoping and assuming he will know your unspoken requests. I gave the analogy men are like light switches, one look and they’re ready, whereas women are like irons, takes a while to get warmed up.

What if you don’t know what you want or how to help your husband prepare you? After all, when he asks what you want for dinner, you don’t know that either. Here’s some help.

Men seek challenges. Once they’ve mastered their challenge they move on. Sometimes they approach marriage like that: they won her now they can check that off their list of challenges and move on.

She may be his wife, but she is not mastered. A husband must continue to woo his wife all their married days. Not to gain her attention, but to meet her changing needs. (And they do change.)
Most men do want to please their wives. They are not mean ogres seeking only self-satisfaction, but are clueless as to what to do.

Here are some basics that may help prepare for intimacy. In addition to last week’s suggestions about mentally preparing your mind, and scheduling days so you can prepare mentally.

Talk.
I cannot relax if I have unresolved problems floating around my head from the day. If I’m angry at a child, I can’t focus on my husband; my heart is divided. But that doesn’t mean the problem must be resolved. They are just talked about. My husband doesn’t solve the problems. He just listens.

My husband recommends the “nod” to his Soldiers. Just nod when she speaks, don’t correct or fix.

Relax.
This was especially hard when I nursed; I was always listening for their cries. (Again a divided heart.)
Consider suggesting these ideas to your husband: have him brush your hair, rub your back, or massage your feet.
Sometimes all this relaxing makes me fall asleep!

Focus.
Again with nursing babies or toddlers, I was constantly listening for them. Because we kept them in our bed, they were right there most of the time. When we were seeking to be intimate, the baby sensed that and interrupted. Be creative about how to stop their cries, yet keep the mood for your husband.

My husband would remind me to RELAX. I had to focus on the moment, not on what I should do tomorrow, what I needed to do afterward, what I forgot to tell him about this. Focus. (Like when you’re trying to pray and all those things barge into your mind and keep you from concentrating on God. Same thing, only this time it’s keeping you from your husband. Consider the time sacred and strive for focus.
I find it helpful to keep my eyes shut.

Lubricate.
My husband has this father-son talk with his boys close to their wedding day about greasing their parts before entering her. Most women need the lubrication to keep from hurting. There are many choices to select, like AstroGlide, K-Y gel. (They are found with the sanitary pads and pregnancy tests in the pharmacy department.) Make sure they are approved for internal use.

If all else fails, and the iron won’t be warmed, (after all no woman follows a standard formula every time, or any time for that matter) complete the act, so your husband is not left frustrated and unfulfilled.

That act done in private reflects the status of a marriage. It takes giving and receiving. It requires work, time, priority.
My husband works in an office with beautiful women. One office manager commented that my husband got what he needed at home, because he was never crabby. That reflected what we did in private. That was a compliment to me of how well I took care of him.
When a wife gives herself to her husband, he feels empowered to take on the world.
God’s gifts used His way brings power and completeness. And a greater understanding of Who He is.



What other helps would you suggest for the husband?
 
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Author of Biblical fiction, married to my best friend, and challenged by eight sons’ growing pains as I write about what matters.

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